Quite a Year

We adopted a dog. We feed a new cat. I moved. I moved back. I left my husband. We got back together. And through all of this, I knit.

Knitting is my security. All the charity items I made are in a tub in my daughter's garage and she no longer speaks to me. All my yarn, 6, 35-gallon tubs, are all with her and lost to me. I feel worse about her choices to cut me from her life, but every day I miss my yarn and photos and personal affects from my 53 yrs. I took all my precious things with me to VA in a cargo van, and brought home my son, and 2 dogs in the car. Tough lessons. It's like having a fire and your mind ticks off what items...oh yeah, that's gone. Oh yeah, that's gone too. I've been slowly picking up new things. A yarn bowl, a new spindle, a perfect skein of yarn, a sewing machine...my heart hurts over all my pictures and genealogy papers and gifts the kids gave me over the years. I'm not quite sure how my child could close off to me like this and refuse to let me have my things and keep her kids away from me. I will survive though. I'm also very grateful I didn't take more than I needed when I left and moved. It made coming back a bit easier.

In this new year, I've made one hat to sell or donate. I've made another hat, cowl, and arm warmers for myself, and a wash cloth. I made a scarf. Today I started another wash cloth and one day, I want to buy towels. All the things I no longer have really sneak up on my thoughts. It will hurt for a long time. In another 20 yrs though, the memory will lessen and I'll know what was most important; like my daughter and her kids and how we don't know each other. I pray they don't grow up without me, but it could happen. That's hard.

Life is moving forward and either things will work out, or they won't. I will keep living and creating and learning. And every once in a while, I will send my daughter a text and tell her I love her. THAT will never change.

The medicaid has been canceled. The food stamps didn't load. Hubby and I both got paper route jobs. The loan modification came through on the house. We are no longer unemployed...just under-employed. A lady commented on my post about once we know the name of our physical pain, it is controlled. Made me think of Doctor Who. One of his central themes is that once a monster's name is known, he can control it. While I still have pain and need to step back and take care of myself, there are many more good days than before. I have Fibromyalgia, but I am not controled by it at this point. Most days, I feel ok. Not great, but ok. It's less often that I can't function than it was before I went to VA. I take lots less medicine. My hands ... well. Today they are ok :)